ok. what i didn't know when I posted tuesday was that i wasn't going to get any sleep that night, or the next 3 for that matter. I also didn't know that I would be eating goldfish when i started to cramp. what i haven't been telling you all for the last few weeks was that i was pregnant. now im here to tell you that im not pregnant. it's a weird thing to be pregnant. and this time i was cautious. really cautious. i was thinking statistically, i could be the one. since few of my friends have experienced miscarriages, and i was in that "high risk" demographic...i knew it could be a reality. i was excited to finally be pregnant after 4 months of trying, and i was anxious to spill it out in the blogworld, but then i thought, no. don't tell yet. but it didn't matter anyway, b/c im telling now. and i found that there is one way to be slightly relieved when you find out you the bad news. and that is probably ONLY when you think you actually have cervical cancer b/c the technician takes FOREVER with the transvaginal probe sonogram. i asked all the questions that an OCD googler would know: is my cervix open, can you see growth in my fallopian tubes? but when she went from "you can go after this"...to "please wait in the private consultation room for the doctor to tell you the results"...your mind starts to race. i was like, im totally happy with just going home now, no need for a chit-chat. b/c now, im on the chemo portion of my cervical cancer. see when the technician left the room to let me get dressed, i peaked at the sonogram images on the screen. i used all my "house, MD" tv watching training and my webMD degree to determine that the big black circles were actual tumors. so there you have it, i was diagnosed without the aid of a medical professional. so when i sat in the private room awaiting my horrific diagnosis, i actually felt pretty calm about the miscarriage. i mean, i knew what was happening but when my mind goes wild, it really goes wild. so then it was off for blood work and then back to my friend's to pick up stevenjr. and of course, in my immediate searching for the positive...i can actually get fit, lose weight, take prenatal vitamins and feel GOOD when we start trying again.(and drink on vacation) so that's my comfort, and a big batch of brownies. and flowers. flowers do work wonders. ah, it feels good to get that off my chest. it's not all shits and giggles here afterall. i promise, a light airy easter post this weekend! weeks til vacation: 7, weeks til 5k: 6, days til easter chocolate eat-athon, i mean healthy portion chocolate eating: 2.

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